Surprise! Meet Our Son! (Oh, Did We Not Mention?)

I was recently asked by my friend what was the hardest part of the adoption process. I had to give it some thought. There were many aspects that I would describe as “challenging” and maybe “frustrating”. I hate to say “hard” only because that seems so negative towards what was the most rewarding process of our lives. But the waiting. The competition with other couples. Making difficult decisions about what we were willing to take on as parents. The financials. Sure, all of that was stressful. Sometimes it downright sucked. But, again, all part of such a rewarding process.

But getting back to my friend’s question, I’d have to say the hardest part was keeping everything a secret. While some are very vocal about their plans and the process and shout it from the top of a mountain top the second they know, others remain much more private.

Mums The Word

After discussion, my wife and I had chosen to keep things private. We told a few select people. We told my parents and very select family members. We told a couple of closest friends. Out of necessity because of planning for leave, we had to tell our workplaces. But it was all with the caveat that they could not tell anyone else.

We chose this approach solely to protect ourselves. We had been through the wringer over the past several years. Failing to conceive naturally. Multiple failed IVF cycles. Pregnancy loss. And each time, it cut us just a little bit deeper. I’ll come right out and admit it. By the time we entered the adoption process, we were emotionally raw. Even the first months of the adoption process were very difficult. In August 2021, my wife and I had gone on vacation. We had just landed at the airport of our destination and had learned yet another case we had presented to had fallen through. I was at a breaking point. I remember being on the bus leaving the airport headed to our resort, and nearly breaking down and telling my wife I didn’t know how much more I could take. Our case worker wanted to meet with us and have a discussion about managing expectations and disappointment.

Public Pain vs Private Guilt

Pain is pain. But it is often so much harder when your pain is public pain. I had experienced some of that with IVF. We weren’t very open about IVF, but a couple of friends knew. And each time it didn’t work, I’d have to see their faces when I told them it didn’t work. That’s something that’s really hard to go through. Your pain is already so deep, and then you see their faces. And while they are your friends and they love you and intentions are the best, it just somehow multiplies your pain.

We were not prepared to go through that with adopting our son. There was moderate risk of this being what they call a disrupted adoption. If this had been a disrupted adoption, it would have killed us. We knew that was a very real possibility, and we were praying like hell every night.

So, to guard ourselves, we chose to keep things private. And honestly, that really sucked. It meant my mom not being able to tell all her friends about her excitement for another grandchild and having a grandson. It meant best friends not being able to throw showers. It meant my wife and I not being to share our very real excitement with every doctor’s appointment update and new sonogram image. It meant no gender reveals. It meant none of all that really fun stuff that expecting parents get to do.

And it also meant guilt over keeping something so beautiful from people we truly love.

Surprise! Meet Our Son!

On that happy day the week before Christmas, it was a carefully planned rollout of our happy news. First, our immediate family. I allowed my mom to tell her sister and brothers and her friends, and my dad to tell his brothers, and let it trickle down from there. I told my brother and allowed him to tell his daughter and his mother0-in-law. This was in the hour after he was born (about 10 AM). Allowing the day to pass and the news to trickle throughout our family, it was then we announced the arrival of our son complete with photos on social media. An announcement that truly took many by surprise and with some confusion as they had no idea.

We did get a lot of “we can’t believe you didn’t tell us!” type comments, but nobody was upset. Instead, nothing but joy, love, and support. And we expected that, even if we felt guilty about having kept it from them.

The good news is mom and her best friends did ultimately get to throw us that shower in the form of a “sip and see”, which was recently held. It was a joyous occasion in which our family, friends, and colleagues got to gather and meet our bundle of joy, and celebrate with food, drink, and laughs. My wife got that shower experience she so truly deserved. It was a great day. And even prior to that, our friends had immediately begun flooding us with love and support. When we came from to Massachusetts with our son 6 days after we was born, we came to a home where we found our living room absolutely filled with boxes and envelopes from gifts people shipped to us. We had found our front door decorated by my coworkers, along with a welcoming sign and balloons from our niece in our living room.

Everyone is as happy to welcome Baby A into our family as we were to introduce him to his family.

The Way It Had to Be

I’m not saying there is a right way or a wrong way to go about how to approach telling people you are adopting. For us, this was the only way we could really do it. It would have been devastating if this had been a disrupted adoption. We were on edge every single day during her pregnancy that she would change her mind, or something would otherwise go wrong. And if I am being completely honest, I think we’re both still on edge just a bit, or at best slightly guarded, for the next few weeks until that day the judge finally signs off on it and declares us a family,

It really did suck not being able to share our news and progress until his birth. But it was the trade-ff to protecting ourselves. A hard decision for sure.

But now, the world is just as it should be. We have our beautiful baby at home. Wife and I are something we had been trying to be for so long, mom and dad. And we have this huge, beautiful circle around us.

A perfect happy ending to a tumultuous journey we had to walk largely alone.

It was worth it.