Two Months In

Today, Baby Mac turns 2 months old. In many ways, I can’t believe it’s been two months since we were awaken early that Thursday morning with the “it’s happening-get to the hospital” call. I look back, and I recall everything that has happened in these two short months. And indeed, it has been a lot.

A Period That Would Make or Break Me

I really feel like these first two months have been a period that would either make me or break me. From birth, just like any other new parent, we were thrusted into parenthood. But then since this was an adoption, on top finding our footing as new parents we were also dealing with a legal case. And we needed to find a way to bring our family home to Massachusetts. And three weeks after coming home, I would be transitioning to being a working dad. Throw in the physical demands such as lack of solid sleep; trying to find time to eat and shower, etc. Little things so many of us have always taken for granted. This was a whole new ballgame, for all of us.

Insane First Two Weeks

So, with adoption in a different state, there is a chain of legal processes that needs to happen. Birth mom has to sign off on placing her baby with us. Then the state where the baby is born has to review the case and decide if we can be cleared to leave the state with the child. After that, then our home reviews the case and decides if we are cleared to come back to our home state with the child. This normally takes some time. On the day of discharge from the hospital, our attorney had stopped by. “I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but I don’t see how you will be home for the holidays (it was one week before Christmas). And while we had hoped we would be, we were prepared for being there for a while and not being home for Christmas. But call it a Christmas Miracle if you wish, but not even 48 hours later the home state said “okay, you’re clear.” And even more shockingly, within an hour of that, Massachusetts set “all set- bring him home.” That was unexpected! So now, days into parenthood, we’re trying to find last minute holiday travel back home. We did so, but because of our child’s very young age we had to find a local doctor to give us a note saying it was okay for our son to travel on an airplane. Long story short- we come home, and then Christmas. We had an impromptu Christmas day celebration here, followed by dinner at my parents’ house the day after Christmas. All of this happening with dwindling sleep for the both of us.

Upon coming home, he wouldn’t sleep in basinet

The next challenge we would face was when we came home, our son wouldn’t sleep in his basinet. Just wouldn’t do it. We tried everything. He just didn’t want to go down to sleep at night. He would sleep if being held, and we also Ahad a “lounger” (a cushy bed that can be place on a sofa or pretty much anywhere you can lay your baby and keep them safe and secure he was able to sleep in for short period s of time. We were entering into a routine where momma would stay up with him while I slept, and then Daddy would wake up at 3:00 AM and take over for momma while she went and got some sleep. It was unhealthy. It was unsustainable. But it was the only thing working for us.

Thankfully, around one month old, he had started to become more comfortable with sleeping in the basinet in our bedroom and has slowly been working towards a bedtime and sustaining longer periods of sleep in the basinet.

Two Freak Outs: No poop in days; Spitting Up

We did have a couple of new parent “freak outs” that landed us in emergency rooms. The first being him not pooping after we came home from the hospital. In fairness, the hospital at told us “Well if he hasn’t pooped in the next 24 hours, take him to pediatric emergency.” Sure enough, he hadn’t, and we were off to the pediatric emergency room. In the height of a COVID surge, mind you. We went there, and were relieved to hear physician say, “he’s fine” and then “I wouldn’t have told you that (take him to ER), explaining newborns can sometimes go 5 days between bowel movements.

The next one was about when he was a month old. He had a 24-hour period where he had spit up all of his food three times. A little unusual for him. Off to the doctors we go. There was a slight scare he may have had Pyloric Stenosis, but that was quickly ruled out. Just a case of a baby with a small tummy eating too much.

Phew.

Transitioning to Working Dad

I had the opportunity to take Paid Family Medical Leave for the first few weeks. Under Massachusetts law, all employees of companies with more than ten employees are entitled to up to 12 weeks per year of Paid Family Medical Leave. I took a total of five, which covered travel and a short waiting period prior to Baby Mac’s birth and then a few weeks after. I am also blessed to work for a very supportive employer. I was told I could take as much time as I could. But I felt I needed to rip the band-aid off at some point. And so, after five weeks I returned to work.

I’m also blessed to have the opportunity to work remotely. While my original plan was to work in the office one day a week and at home the rest, after a conversation with my boss it was determined that staying home was the best option, to protect both myself and my son and his undeveloped immune system from COVID.

My wife is still on leave. So, she is home during the day to care for Baby Mac. But here’s the deal. She’s also runs this whole place. On top of caring for Baby Mac, she also needs to make sure this house continues to run smoothly. So, while I am in the home office, I take periodic moments during the day to relieve her for short periods of time, before truly relieving her at the end of the work day.

This balance or working and “dadding” has been tough. I recently had to attend and testify at an evening public hearing held virtually. Baby Mac was having a tough evening. He was very cranky. He was crying and having screaming fits. Not sick. No fever. Just over tired and very cranky. This at the end of the day when momma was doing the heavy parenting lift all day. As I sat in my home office, with my head set on participating in the hearing and apologizing for my babies cries in the background, I felt like I was failing. I felt like I was failing at my job. I felt like I was failing my son. I felt like I was failing my wife. It was a very low point.

Later on, after things had settled, I had a candid conversation with my wife. I told her hard this has been, and how I felt like a failure. She said, “well your work has to understand your situation”. I explained to them that’s just the thing, they do. They haven’t said anything about my performance. I said I felt like I wasn’t measuring up to my own standards. My career standards, and now my standards as a dad, we talked it through, and the readers digest version is her ending up telling me I need to cut myself some clack. And she’s right. She always is.

Talking things through helped a lot, and if there is one thing, I can wrap up this blog entry with is the importance of communication. I had been letting things build up inside of me without talking about them. That is never healthy, in any circumstance in life. It’s not healthy for me. And it’s not fair to her. She needs to know what’s going on in my head.

I honestly don’t feel like I’m in much of a position to give a lot of advice at this point in my journey. But practicing good communication would certainly be up there. This isn’t easy, for anyone. Every new parent runs on very little sleep. Every new parent worries about every little thing. And I believe most new parents are going to feel like they’re not measuring up at least from time to time, if not daily. Talk to your partner about it. If you’re a single parent or that isn’t otherwise an option, then talk to one of your parents or a friend or anybody. Just opening up will make you feel better. It has a way of hitting the reset button on your headspace, and ready to move on to another day.

The Good Stuff

While it has been stressful, it’s also been amazing, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. These first two months have been a period of rapid growth and development. Watching him basically double his size since birth. Watching him being to engage with his surroundings and beginning to socialize. I swear to God the first time he smiled and laughed at me socially, I cried I was so happy. It was on a morning when things were going exceptionally difficult at work. I picked him up. I don’t even remember specifically what I was doing other than knowing I was making goofy sounds with my mouth, and he got a huge smile and laughed. We had been given the heads up from his doctor this would happen soon, and this was the first time for me. And it was amazing. It’s one of those memories I will have for the rest of my life. And when I hold him, I can truly feel that bond with him now. And I can tell he feels it too. And when he just stares at me with those big eyes. Damn.

Being a Dad. It’s the best.